The Unspoken

I have always been honest on this blog - and will continue to do so. I believe that by sharing some of our families struggles, it may help someone else, or at the very least make them feel less "alone." There are often times in my parent's of special needs groups that that is a common thing - a lot of parents feel alone in the journey... Parents of children with special needs have quite the challenge - and then you add those challenges to a marriage - and it doesn't make it easy.

Neil and I have always been a great team, we've come a long way in our marriage, but recently our marriage isn't up to the proper standards. This year has been especially hard - with the challenges we have had with Logan's school, Logan's different struggles, his latest back pain issues, etc. I am a stay at home mom - Neil works - and he just recently added a second job to the mix. To say that our marriage is solid right now would be a lie. It's rocky.

I spend most of my time taking care of the kiddos - and primarily making sure all of the needs of Logan and the girls are met. I am the mediator between Logan and his sisters. I am the schools primary contact. I am the taxi to and from therapy. I am all of the cliché things that a stay at home mom is known for. I am fully absorbed in our children.

Neil spends his time between the hospital - 12 hour shifts as a paramedic - and the rest of the time in the garage working on his own business. He does this to provide for our family - and I know it is a heavy load to carry.

Lately, we have been at complete odds with each other. I am grouchy because all he does is work, comes home from work to work and ignores me (hello, I have ZERO adult conversation because I am with kiddos ALL day), we disagree on the most petty things, etc. He gets grouchy because I constantly ask for his time and he is tired and feels the need to work non-stop, I want to get out of the house/He wants to stay at home, etc. It has NOT been pleasant.

I know all marriages are hard, they are not a walk in the park. There are struggles every married couple will face. The question is how much is too much?! We agree that we won't give up - you won't fail if you try - and we made a promise to love each other forever. We do love each other. It's just one of the "Seasons" of marriage where the grass looks greener on the other side. You look at other couples with envy. You wonder "why" and "how much longer" this season will last before you can move on to the next. We are ready for the next season.

I am more at fault for holding grudges, not being forgiving when I should be, etc. Neil is at fault for poor time management balancing work and family. Maybe our vacation to Mexico will help us reconnect. "This too shall pass." We will not be part of the 80% (divorced parents of special needs kiddos). We won't give up. It just takes time and a readjustment in priorities on both parts. Sooooo...if you pray...pray for our wisdom, forgiveness, and future.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Love you all! Xoxo.

Irony

In the past 8 months (at least) we have avoided going to church - left our church - and have been searching for a church that fits us. This has been a major internal struggle. Don't get me wrong - we LOVED our church home - that we had attended for 9 years - but as time went on - Logan was born, he grew, became a challenging child, and was much harder to control. Church became a challenge. Our "home" church didn't offer children's church - and nursery was only for kiddos 5 and under. Logan turned 6...and we attempted to take him in to the sanctuary with us. There were many Sundays we had to carry him out screaming, crying, and it was quite embarrassing. It wasn't comfortable for him or us. It felt that we were looked down upon because not everyone knew Logan's story, or how he handles certain things, etc. His tantrums, meltdowns, and outbursts were distracting to those around us and made it hard for us to hear the sermon - so all in all, we weren't really getting what we needed.

Today - for the first time - we tried yet another "new" church. Where the ironic part comes in, is that a certain person whom I have disliked since school started (she is on the IEP/Case Conference Committee, did the evaluations that I strongly disagree with, we have butted heads, we snapped at each other in the last meeting, etc.) was the one who was working the children's church check-in station. I am sure when I looked up and my brain registered who she was - the look on my face was priceless. Why would God put me in these case conferences with this lady...and THEN put me FACE-TO-FACE with her OUTSIDE of school!!! He is a humorous God, that I do know. He loves to challenge my comfort zone, my ability to be forgiving, my ability to be kind and humble. He knows his plan...and I am just along for the ride. Oh what a ride this is! :)

Something we did learn is that they have children's church, the people that run the 1st grade class will be there through the Summer (consistency is KEY with Logan), the teacher was a previous first grade teacher and her husband  is her assistant (having a male figure is a plus)...and it just seemed to "click." Logan was happy, well behaved, and the teacher just seemed to understand him and what worked for him.

The other SUPER-DUPER cool thing is that they have a ministry that is designed for children with special needs, and if Logan were to get too comfortable or overwhelmed, the program actually designates an adult buddy for him - and will attend all church services with him - and build a relationship with him and has training in understanding the special needs realm.

The sermon spoke directly to my heart. Sounds completely mushy - but it was all about children. It discussed our goals for our children, what we may "want" for our children, what God wants for our children, how we should teach our children to their learning ability vs. expecting all children to learn the same way, etc. One of the things the pastor mentioned is that children don't come with manuals - manuals are geared to a certain make and model - and there are far too many "makes and models." I cried most of the sermon. I am not great at replicating the message - but it was awesome. God knew exactly what I needed to hear.

However, tomorrow I have a meeting with this lady that I have had my differences with, to view her raw data of the testing she completed for Logan and to discuss the parts that I disagree with. Go figure! Funny how things work! :/

This next week will be full of challenges for us - the data meeting, the second half of our case conference (the WORST part where we go over the FBA,BIP, IEP, etc.), therapy appointments, and trying to wrap things up for vacation.

Thanks for stopping by and checking in! Hope you all have a great week. :)
Autumn