Happiness.

I have found much needed happiness in the last couple of weeks. A feeling that I have been longing to have for a while now. It's not just me feeling it either, it's my husband too! We are seeing some monumental changes. Let me share with you:

When we received the diagnosis of Aperger's just a couple of weeks ago, Dr. B had said that she thought bumping his doses of meds would help. I trust this woman one hundred percent, however, I just didn't think we would see these kinds of changes in our sweet boy. I am finding it hard to put it into words, but he is more aware...he is happy...he is more easily redirected...we have had maybe 2 tantrums in the last two weeks...and no hitting at home. He is just super sweet, starting to be cuddly(before he didn't even like to be touched the majority of the time), he allows me to massage his back (touching him usually overstimulates/irritates him), and he looks into my eyes when I am giving him a direction or correcting him. We even caught him cleaning the playroom after he was done playing. He is just all around more focused and grounded.

This isn't to say that he doesn't have struggles. He still struggles with being overstimulated when we have company, go in public, or he goes to school. I am hoping that after he goes back to school after Christmas Break his teacher will notice some changes. It is possible that she might not see what we do, and I am okay with that. He still has a hard time when we go to a store. We haven't tried going out to dinner yet... only time will tell.

I have to say that a few weeks ago my heart was hurting, it was all too new. I was scared and bitter. Today I am confident that we are headed in the right direction. My husband and I are on the same page and we will do whatever humanly possible to help our little man. We are a team...and the BEST one for Logan. We have relaxed a little more, laughed a little more, and enjoyed our time as a family. It has been the best few weeks of my life in a long time. I have been able to BREATHE. It sounds funny, but for the last year or so I felt like I have been holding my breath. I didn't realize it until I witnessed my sweet boy smile, curl up in my lap, look into my eyes, relax, and fall asleep in my arms. (He hasn't slept in my arms since he was an infant, and even then he didn't want to be held.)
Today while he was sitting at the table waiting for me to serve dinner he looked at his sister and said "Hailey, I love you." Typing it brings tears to my eyes because he verbalized his emotions - he has rarely done this. I jump for joy in our progress!   

Thank you for reading and catching up. I hope this brought a smile to your face. I know my heart feels like it has grown ten times! I hope each of you had a Merry Christmas. Enjoy a safe and blessed New Year. I will be spending it at home with the ones I love the most! :)

Autumn
 

Tragedy

I know some of you may try avoiding the news, however, I just can't. I don't like hearing all of the negative things that are going on in our city/state/country, but I want to be aware. This past Friday - December 14 - Newtown, CT witnessed a horrific tragedy. Not only did the events that took place impact Newtown, CT, it also affected our entire nation.

I went back and forth on whether or not I really wanted to share these feelings on my blog...I am a very private person when it comes to political views and quite honestly I hate debating. I do not have a "type A" personality. I have never had the confidence to broadcast my views... The main thing I wanted to share with you is how this sad news has weighed on my heart.

As most of you know Logan was diagnosed with Aspergers & Pervasive Developmental Disorder on Tuesday the 11th. Not even 3 days after I heard this incident on the news. I watched as it unraveled. I couldn't take my eyes off of the television. The innocent children being shuffled across the screen with hands on each others shoulders, the teachers maintaining their composure in such a horrific event, and the officers swarming the building school. A school for Pete's sake! A place where our kids should be safe. Then after a while I heard mental illness was probably to blame. "Obviously" I thought. Not too much longer after that... I heard it. I heard the words that  just 3 days prior to this event were attached to my precious child. Aspergers.

Do I know if that is really what this kid had? No. I don't. The thought of it though makes me sick. Not sick as in it's a bad thing for my Logan, but sick that the news would broadcast it that way and put such a negative stigma with Asperger's. The news screwed up so many details. They just kept releasing things far too early - so the gunman wasn't really Ryan, it was Adam. His dad was dead...and then he wasn't. So many speculations were made. The speculation that he has Asperger's made me extremely bitter.The unfortunate thing is if I ever have to tell a stranger my son has Asperger's (and they have never been exposed to such a thing) - they are going to automatically think "Oh, that's what the Sandy Hook Killer had." That just breaks my heart to think someone someday may think that about my precious child like that.

 After reeling over the news I didn't want to even think that my Logan could possibly have something in common with this man. It really sent chills down my spine. My mom even called me and said "Did you hear what the shooter had?!" I was bitter. She meant not a single thing, but my heart was grieving and far too emotional. I wasn't mad at her, I really wasn't. It's just that everyone heard it and everyone had received the news just 3 days prior that Logan was diagnosed. It was all still too new. My heart was sore.

Neil and I talked yesterday. It was the first time we had opened up with each other since the diagnosis and the shooting. We discussed that his parent's could be us, what could have been done differently, the poor families that are dealing with this, how Adam Lanza's dad and brother must feel, and then we discussed how we would deal with our sweet boy long term.

I honestly feel bad for Adam Lanza. My heart not only breaks for all of the victims and the families, but it breaks for him too. You may not agree and I am okay with that. It just saddens me that he had no one whom he felt he could relate to or talk to. All of those emotions had to have caused his switch to flip (in my opinion). The thought of him being so angry and going to the extreme of killing innocent people just tears me apart. The thought of someone being so mentally ill that they are capable of such destruction is scary. So many questions that will never be answered.

If you could do me a favor and just stand up for Autism/Aspergers/Pervasive Developmental Disorder. If someone makes a comment about that guy having this disorder please explain to them that no two cases of Autism are exactly alike. There are so many successful people who have lived their entire lives with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. Here are some that you will know: Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Alexander Graham Bell, Benjamin Franklin, Emily Dickinson, George Washington, Marilyn Monroe, Isaac Newton, Mark Twain, Thomas Edison, Vincent Van Gogh, Mozart, Alfred Hitchcock, Andy Warhol, Bill Gates, Al Gore, and Robin Williams are just some of the many people! Very successful and memorable individuals. I hope this gives you hope for Logan, because it sure does make me feel a little better.




 

Autism Spectrum Disorder... (I hate those words)

In March Logan was diagnosed with Impulse Control Disorder. Upon that diagnosis I was sure that that was what we were dealing with. Originally I had obsessed that I thought Logan was mildly autistic, but after the ICD diagnosis and researching it, I had pushed autism out of my mind. We have been treating the ICD with little success. The meds that he has taken for the ICD have failed us time and time again, with the impression that his body/brain is constantly growing and changing.

Yesterday we had an appointment with Logan's psychiatrist for our monthly check-in. I took along all of the notes from the meetings we've had, all teacher comments, "think about it" papers, phone call documentation, etc. Lately he has been really out of sorts both at school and at home and his behavior/meltdowns have become really bad again. It has resulted in him being sent home from school and us not really being able to go out in public without completely disrupting everyone else around us. This behavior carried over into her office as well - he was doing a lot of spinning (which the teacher has made several comments about), going around touching all of the plants over and over, pulling his hair, etc...there were just a lot of mannerisms that she was actually able to witness first hand that we witness on a daily basis.

After taking a deep breath she threw us the curve ball. She is certain after observing Logan for the past 9+ months that he indeed does have Autism Spectrum Disorder - more specifically Aspergers. She combined the testing/observations from when he was inpatient with the school notes and the observations she has taken in her office to make this diagnosis. She reassured us that she tried to wait as long as she could and be 100 percent certain before labeling our boy. She went on to explain why this was the right diagnosis and how the medications will be altered to try and better suit him...but I was in a zone.

I have had family and friends ask me how I am taking the news... I guess I don't know really. It's not terrible. I just wasn't prepared to hear it yesterday honestly. I think I had kind of ruled it out, although I knew there was something "not right" with my little man. I have wanted to know what "IT" is for a long time - and I didn't think I would ever find out what "IT" was...so to hear those words "Logan is on the autism spectrum. He has Aspergers." just punched me in the stomach. I would ideally like to punch autism in the face... My emotions have been so up and down. I think about how Logan is considered highly functioning for the autism spectrum and I am thankful. I think about how smart he is and I am thankful. I think about how parents have lost their children and I have mine and this is nothing compared to what others have had to endure and I am thankful. I really am...but then I think about how this stupid disease/disorder/disability/whatever-you-want-to-call-it has invaded my child - taken away a part of my sweet boy - and it pisses me off. Then I have the emotions of "what did I do wrong?" haunting me. Was it because I had the kidney issues during my pregnancy? Was it the invasive kidney surgery that I approved because they said I had no other choice? Was it the prescriptions I had to take? So many whys. I don't know - I just know those questions will ALWAYS haunt me. I cannot hardly speak the words without tears - and that is so not like me. I am a strong person and I don't normally cry, but to say those words just hurts. I had hopes of him outgrowing the impulse control disorder. You cannot outgrow autism.

We are taking it one day at a time. I am praying that having this diagnosis will make getting special help at his school easier. At the end of the day Logan is still Logan and I love him to the moon and back. Nothing will ever change my love for him and I will always be here to help him in whatever life goals he sets. He is smart. He will achieve great things, I just know it. So we are calling this a special gift and not a disability. God made our Logan special and we will move forward like we have been doing and make progress (even if it is one step forward, two steps back)!

Thank you all for being such amazing supporters. My hope is that I will be able to connect with other parents who are going through the same journey - or maybe even one day I will be able to help parents the way I have had some awesome special needs mommas help me. I have been blessed.

Love,
Autumn 

Our Meeting (and afterwards)...

I know, I know,  I am a little late getting around to filling you all in on the meeting we had last Wednesday. Boy oh boy has it been completely crazy! I finally have a moment to blog because unfortunately I have two sickly (or kind of sickly) kiddos that are napping. Guess it's that time of the year - and being 65 degrees in December probably isn't helping with the germs. :)

We walked into the meeting with the request in writing for a special education assessment and a functional behavior assesment. That was quickly shot down because they didn't feel that he needed the special education assessment and asked if we would hold off on that request if they agreed to do the functional behavior assessment. I looked to Logan's advocate to see if this was okay or not, because I honestly STILL don't understand all the lingo associated with the assessments, 504's, BIP's, IEP's, etc. I did hand them the request for the IEP for Logan and they said they want to try the 504 first. I don't really know - I just agreed. It was going to be a fight (even with the dr's note to get them to even consider the IEP) and I just don't want to fight. I want everyone to get along, to be a team, and to work towards what is best for my Logan. They will be assessing Logan over the next few weeks in the classroom and in the unstructured settings such as gym and recess. We also agreed that instead of sending home Logan's negative daily report that it either gets e-mailed or we get a phone call. No more of him dreading to show us these negative papers every single day. We left the meeting and I had no feeling at all. It wasn't an exciting feeling like I got lots accomplished, but it wasn't a complete failing feeling either. It was kind of like - I hope this works?!

Wednesday I received a phone call from his teacher stating he left the lunchroom and no one knew where he went. They looked all over and his class had to head out to recess without him. They finally found him in the bathroom and when the lunch lady confronted him he got very irritable. He had to pee extremely bad and said he couldn't hold it. They told him that was unexcusable, and that he has to ask an adult to use the restroom. He just didn't understand why that was such a big deal. When his teacher came in and asked him to take a time out for it - he flat out told her "NO". She asked a second time and he laid on the floor and said "NO" again. She then had the principal come and get him. They discussed why it is important not to leave the lunchroom.

Thursday he was again sent to the office for "choking" another child. Logan's story is that B was upset because Logan wouldn't quit touching him. Logan didn't want B to be mad at him so he was trying to hug him and apologize...and the teacher saw it as choking. He was then sent to the principal and had to sign a contract. READ CLOSELY: The principal wrote a contract stating "I, Logan, will never touch another child again." and then he had to sign his name on it. What a silly contract - a child with IMPULSE CONTROL DISORDER - signing something that states that he will never touch another child. Geez...It is almost comical. I still believe that Logan did not choke the other boy and that everything he said to me was accurate. He never wants anyone to be upset with him - so I am just positive that Logan was trying to give the child a hug even though that child didn't really want a hug. Logan really doesn't read others well. He doesn't know personal space or boundaries. 

Friday afternoon I received a phone call from the principal asking if I was close by. I quickly headed over to his office to find out what was going on. Apparently there was an incident on the playground where they were playing tag... Logan was pulling the other boys shirts and getting angry that he kept getting tagged. The playground monitor had asked Logan several times to stop and he didn't. She then tried to seperate him from the other kids and he started swinging at her and yelling "get off!" The principal took him to his office again and Logan refused to cooperate with the principal - thus me getting the phone call. I tried to calm Logan down in his office, but he was already "over his limit" and talking wasn't going to accomplish anything. The principal was just getting more frustrated by watching Logan pull his own hair and cover his ears and growl. He said "We aren't getting anywhere with this, I think you need to take him home." When I asked him to put his coat on to leave he threw himself on the floor and refused. The principal then threatened that if he didn't leave with me (I was in my sling so I couldn't just scoop up my 60 lb boy) that instant he would call the police and have him escorted out. I was devastated and completely embarrassed because we weren't the only ones in the office. We had a few children, office ladies, and a parent as an audience. Ugh. I brought him home, talked a little bit to him, and then explained that he really needed to take a nap and rest (which he did w/out any issues).

I am just praying that last week was just a bad week and that we can move forward w/out being sent to the principal everyday and/or getting sent home. That was awful! We have a meeting with Dr. B this Friday and I am going to discuss this with her and see what she recommends. I am really at a loss of what to do.

Here is a sweet picture of my sleepy head:

 

 

Hope you all have a great week. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to share! This parenting thing is a TOUGH job! :)



 

Am I Crazy? (*Vent Session*)

Okay - I know that headline has to catch your attention. It is a question I am asking myself after what I witnessed today. I am trying to determine if I am being the overprotective / hard to get along with parent...

Today - I worked in Logan's classroom. He was actually perfect for the almost 2 hours that I was in the class. We were preparing for their Thanksgiving Feast that they are having tomorrow. I ran a craft table where the kids designed their own little Indian vests... It was TOO CUTE! When we were finishing up the cleaning the kiddos were sent to lunch. After I finished helping clean up the room, I decided to go down to check on my little guy because that is where he has the most problems with self-control.

When I got to the lunch room Logan was seated at a table by himself. I asked him if he had gotten into trouble and he said no. I asked why he was sitting alone and he said "They make me sit by myself every day mom." This was concerning to me. I went out to recess and just observed him and helped him play nice instead of the dinosaurs eating each other that he was trying to play (dinosaurs = growling, biting, scratching, chasing...all of the negative things he shouldn't be doing). He got involved in a game of tag and other than accidentally tagging a little girl too hard and making her fall down, he did really well.

The more I thought about him sitting by himself, the more sad and frustrated I got. When recess was over I walked Logan back inside and pulled the teacher aside and explained what I witnessed in the lunch room. I asked why Logan wasn't getting a chance to try sitting with his friends first, before getting put by himself. She said she didn't really know and that she would speak with the principal. I then asked her if she honestly thought that was okay to have him sit alone without having the chance to sit with his friends, especially on a good day. She just shook her head like "i don't know." I then told her that last week when this happened Logan came home hysterical that he had to sit alone with no warning what-so-ever. He was really upset by this. She then said that she couldn't believe that because Logan didn't mention being upset to her, and she was even with him in car line that day, and he wasn't upset at all. Grrrrr! Logan doesn't turn the tears on and off at his own will - my girls can - but he just can't do that. I told her that if this was going to continue to be an issue that I would just take him home for lunch and recess, give him and the lunch monitors a break, then slowly ease him back into things. She said absolutely not - that "all he wants is relaxed time with mom." Does this make sense?!

So as I sit here and type this I am soooooo frustrated and wish more than anything I could have just pulled him and taken him home. I am frustrated beyond belief that they don't UNDERSTAND my Logan. I try so hard and so patiently to explain how Logan's brain works - how Logan reacts to things - all things that are not typical 6 year old boy behavior/thought processes...but it doesn't matter how many different ways I try to explain it - it just doesn't click with them. I have spent every waking moment with few exceptions with Logan for the last 6 years and to come to this roadblock is blowing my mind. I am at a loss of what to do except wait for the meeting we have planned.

Please pray that I can keep my composure and speak in ways that they can understand. I don't want them to think I hate them...because I don't. I like them all as people, I am just having a hard time with their "ways." I don't want them to not want me as a volunteer all because we disagree on how things should go with Logan. I want to help them - I want them to understand how my little man works - what works best for him, how to redirect him, how to give him positive reinforcement, etc. I want nothing more than to be on the same page and work together as a team to benefit Logan and Logan's education.

Please - if you feel that I am being overly picky or ridiculous - let me know! If you have suggestions, feel free to share! I want nothing more than to see the big picture and feel confident in the decisions that I am making.

Thanks guys.

Some Days Are Rough!

These last few days have not been the most pleasant. I don't know why - I have just been in a complete funk. Maybe it's the election nonsense, maybe it's that the holidays are right around the corner, or maybe it is my complete and utter frustration with trying to get my Logan the help he needs in school and home (with the frustration of not getting ANYWHERE quickly).  I would guess the latter of these three is the main cause...

Logan's behavior lately has been quite crazy... Lot's of overly excited, wild-n-crazy, impulsive moments where he doesn't really mean to be naughty or cause harm but it just happens. Logan is a very remorseful child. He does feel bad when he does something wrong...however, that feeling is short lived because this is a BIG WORLD and LOT OF THINGS are happening! The smallest thing to us can in turn be a HUGE distraction for our little man.

I have been thinking a lot about Logan's school situation: We pretty much get the same note sent home on a daily basis (Logan has failed to keep his hands/feet to himself, trouble following directions, and making poor choices), not much has changed as far as his consequences, and the general frustration of the teachers is still the same now as it was the week after he started school (actually it probably is worse). I decided that since I have been in constant communication with his teacher and we haven't really seen much of anything improve...I would put a call into the principal.

I can't tell you that conversation was magical...because it wasn't. The first time I spoke with him he was "unaware" that there were issues going on. The very next day I spoke with him...and he says he witnesses Logan quite often cause trouble and that his behavior has been "annoying." I am done over-thinking and over-analyzing the situation...I was so upset that one day he had no idea and the next day he says he witnesses it on a daily basis. I just don't understand...

We met with Logan's psychiatrist yesterday. She is trying him on a medicine that he had success with previously. It is now a combination of Zyprexa and Intuniv. So far I have seen a huge difference in the 4 days that he has been on both. His teacher on the other hand, has not witnessed the difference.  We are still having "red" days and notes that are sent home. At the doctor yesterday I asked her if she thought that maybe I was making the situation bigger than it is...she said absolutely not. Some days I just feel like I should just chill out and not get upset about the little things with Logan's schooling, however, those little things add up!!! She told me that I need to keep doing what I am doing and to keep pushing for the IEP. She even wrote a note on an rx paper instructing that Logan NEEDS an IEP and included both of his diagnoses and her reasoning. She said that she couldn't believe that they are making this so difficult. She did express her concern with him getting left behind because of the same notes (I showed her) every day. So the push for the IEP is still in process...and I will not allow my little man to get left behind.

So that is the current situation - and many tears have been shed these past few weeks. I have been an emotional wreck thinking that this could go on for a long time yet. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to take one day at a time, and that as much as I want to CONTROL every little thing, I can't always do so.

As I am ending this I want to share some awesome pictures from our family photo shoot that my sweet friend Joni Walker did for us this past month:

I love this boy more than words can describe.

My girls and my silly Logan.

This is a perfect picture if you really know us.

Love this - girls are smiling - Neil and I are holding eachother - and Logan is peaceful.

Our WHOLE family - I am holding Gus - Paisley our Piggy is in the middle - and Gracie has Peanut!

Another "candid" shot. An airplane flew over.

He loves his puppy.

My love.



Also - if you ever need an awesome photographer - she is fabulous! I couldn't have asked for a more patient, sweet, and FUN photographer. She truly embraced our children and was so sweet and patient. Love her!

 

Thanks for stopping by! :o)

 

The Invisible Disability

I have been struggling for a while now about Logan and his school "behavior." I have also been struggling with how his behavior is being addressed at school. I really do like his teacher as a person, however, I don't think she knows my Logan like I do. It has been a real struggle for our entire family.

Basically you have a class of 24 kindergartner's, one teacher, a behavior plan that is followed for all children, and a little boy that isn't your "typical" cookie-cutter child. The behavior plan goes like this: Child starts out on green...if he or she has a great day...he stays on green all day. During the course of the day (6 1/2 hours to be exact) if he or she is asked once or twice or given a friendly reminder called a "Think About It" they move to yellow. If the child does that same behavior or a different behavior that is unacceptable after the yellow - they get moved to red. First things first - I do NOT disagree with this method as a whole. My girls had very similar classroom rules when they were younger and Hailey still does in her 3rd grade class. These types of things work well overall - but Logan is not the "average" child.

Since the second or third week of school Logan has been getting red at least 4 out of 5 days...and here lately...it is 5 out of 5. This consists of a "Think About It" paper that gets sent home and he is supposed to write a sentence about what he did and another sentence on why he will not do this behavior again (mind you - he is in Kindergarten). I did call his teacher and told her that I would not make Logan write these sentences - he doesn't even know how to write all of his letters yet. I did explain to her that we discuss the behavior he gets in trouble for each and every single day and that we discuss ways that we can try to avoid certain situations or why his behavior is disruptive. She agreed that she was okay with the not writing sentences. Thank God. That would have only taken our entire evening and then some...

Here are the latest reasons for his "red" days:  Saying "he is done" with his work, laying on the floor touching the chairs during circle time, touching things on the teachers desk, not sitting still in carline, turning in his papers unfinished, calling his teachers name across the room, speaking out of turn, having trouble keeping his hands to himself, and being "the ONLY child that doesn't stand in line nicely."

I put a call into his teacher and discussed some of these things - I suggested that we needed to come up with short-term goals first before expecting my child (that has Impulse Control Disorder along with ADHD) to sit for an entire day without any of these behaviors showing themselves. I asked her if I provided the stickers and a chart if she could reward him with a sticker after each activity ie: He completes his letter "K" practice sheet, she gives him a sticker...He goes to gym w/out incident, he gets a sticker... He sits quietly and fairly still through circle time, he gets a sticker...etc. She disagreed! She said she thought he is doing this for attention and that would only reinforce the attention seeking behaviors. <<ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!>> That's what I really wanted to say, but I didn't...I just asked what she thought. She said that she would split his day into morning and afternoons - so if he messes up in the morning he has a chance at green in the afternoon or vice versa. I agreed that she could try it that way...but I have yet to see a single thing. He doesn't get two papers sent home - he gets one - just like before. I also had asked that when he shuts down and refuses to do his work if it would be possible for someone (the couselor, principal, etc.) to take him out of the classroom, talk about why he is upset, give him a short break, and then encourage him to try again. She once again disagreed with me stating "He is so smart - he knows what he is doing. That would just be giving him the break that he wants and I am not willing to do that." Her saying that makes me feel that Logan has control and thinks ahead to what consequence might happen. Logan is not a "planner" thus the IMPULSE CONTROL DISORDER. He is an in the moment child. A here and now child - not a child that stops to think - "Hey, if I don't do my paper, I might get to go for a walk with the pricipal." Or "If I don't do my paper I might lose recess." He doesn't think of those type of things. He just thinks "I don't want to do this right now." That is all his little brain is thinking - he doesn't try to plan ahead in spite of his teacher!

Another issue we discussed was his carline behavior... He was sneaking to sit with his sister and then she was trying to help "control" him and that doesn't work well AT ALL. His teacher was really beside herself about this behavior so I did ask if there was a reason he couldn't have an assigned seat with his class in carline. She said she thought that was a good idea (2 weeks ago)...until yesterday when I spoke to her and she told me again how awful he has been in carline and how he was messing around with his sister. I questioned her again about having an assigned seat and then I felt that she was stumbling with her thoughts. She said "Oh, I am not down there every day. He just isn't listening to the teachers that are down there." I asked if the teachers know that Logan has an assigned seat and she said they did, but she said he is choosing not to follow instructions and they can't watch him every second while they are calling out the numbers. However, there is not a single consequence set into place if he doesn't stay in his carline spot. I feel that is a huge problem - you can't set something in place and not have a back-up plan if that plan falls through. This would be a perfect example of when there needs to be a consequence.

He has been super antsy lately and I completely understand the frustration that his teacher has. It hasn't been a cake walk at home either. I can't say I think the tantrums are adorable, or the pulling of his hair is just too cute either...but the fact of the matter is that he is struggling internally as well as externally. It isn't just the ones around him who are suffering from his "obnoxious" behavior. He is struggling to find control of himself and it's a losing battle. How frustrating would that be if you were in his position?!

This disability isn't something you can tell by walking by us at the grocery or the Fall Festival - if you didn't know us and saw us out,  you would probably think "Great parenting skills people - Get your kid under control!" However, there is so much more to this. It truly is an "Invisable Disability."

I pray every single day for Logan - for the doctors that care for him - for the teachers that are around him - and some days even for my sanity! ;) I hope and pray families in similar situations have an amazing support group like we have because I honestly don't think I could do it without all of my family, friends, and readers who are so encouraging, supportive, thoughtful, etc. Thank you!!! Seriously - If you know another mom/dad stuggling with similar issues feel free to share my blog. I find comfort in reading other blogs and knowing that we aren't the only ones coping with this type of lifestyle.

I will post more later...we have family pictures tomorrow and Logan's parent/teacher conference on Friday. :) Have a blessed week!

Autumn


 

Weekend Fun!

Passport To Our City: Fort Wayne

 

This past weekend our city hosted something called "Be A Tourist In Your Hometown." We don't go into Downtown Fort Wayne very often, so this was the perfect opportunity to explore! Here is a look at our fun time through pictures!

 

 

 

This was at the Old Fort

The kids getting their passport stamped

Making "old" toys - wooden tops.

Logan and Grandma checking out the old brick oven.

My Gracie Girl checking out what was in the cabins. This was in the Lieutenant's cabin. :)

Posing in front of the fort.

Emily with the real cannon that they actually used back then.

Logan and Daddy with the cannon.

A bigger cannon that Logan had to have his pic with!

 

On our way to the Courthouse!

A view of Fort Wayne from a bridge crossing the river.

Kids in front of the courthouse.

It really has immaculate details inside.

I love these kids!

My sweet boy peeking around the pillar.

 

Leaving the Courthouse.

We stopped and got a bite to eat at The Gas House - where Neil purposed (awww).

I took about 5 pics here - this is the best I could get. Crazy kids!

The Lincoln Tower

Pay close attention to the very top where the flag is - we were up there 23 stories!

Looking out from the top of the tower over downtown. It was a little freaky - only a small wall and a LONG way down.

Downtown Fort Wayne.

Parkview Field.

Checking out his city with Daddy.

They thought this was so cool!

Emily snapped our picture - :)

The Embassy:

This is a theatre located downtown. It is gorgeous! I didn't get anymore pics here because I dropped my phone and it fell 15 ft below the stage.

Botanical Garden and Conservatory:

My Hailey Grace

Logan Hunter :) He did so well!

Just because I LOVE these bleeding hearts!

A little bistro in the garden! They just needed some tea! ;)

A picture with Grandma (Neil's mom) @ Botanical.

This was the LONG, WHINY, EXHAUSTING trip back to the car! I don't know how many miles we walked, but it was A LOT! All in all everyone had a great day! Love the family time!

 

What did you do this weekend?!

Logan Has Survived 2 Weeks Of Kindergarten!

Do you know how many times I write an entire paragraph only to re-read it and erase it... A LOT. In the last 2 weeks I have started to blog a few times, but I just can't find the right words... I have had writers block (which seems kind of silly when I am only writting about reality). Goodness!

Last Monday we had a meeting with several teachers, therapists, Logan's teacher, the principal, and Logan's new advocate. It went really well... It was all really nice to hear. At the meeting Logan's teacher had nothing negative to say. She said the only thing that he was really having some difficulty with was transition, but she was hopeful that with time the transitions would smooth out as well. So all in all it was a great meeting.

Next day (Tuesday) he came home in a pretty rotten mood, but said his school day went well. Not even an hour later my phone was ringing and Mrs. Q was on the phone. Logan had been playing "Tag" on the playground and kept pulling on the other kids shirts and not letting go. The recess supervisor had asked him several times to stop, but Logan just kept tugging away. The recess supervisor asked Logan to take a timeout to which he replied "No." She warned him that if he refused his timeout that she was going to take him to the office. Logan still refused his timeout and halfway to the office stopped dead in his tracks and refused to go any further. Therefore the therapist and principal came and talked to him, took him to the office, and continued with their talk.

Wednesday and Thursday were good. Thursday when he came home he had a scraped up nose. I asked him what the heck had happened... He said a boy stepped on his shoelace and pushed him from up on the swingset by the fire pole. I asked him if he knew the boys name and he said no... I asked him if he knew any of the kids names and he got a HUGE smile on his face. I asked him whose name he knew and he said "Nora!" I then asked him why he could remember Nora's name, but not any of the other kids names and he replies "Because she is so pretty and I love her mom, that's why!!!" It was priceless! I wish I could have had it on video!

Friday when I went to pick them up in carline Gracie came out and Logan was still inside. She informed me that Logan was with the principal because he punched a little girl who was bossing Logan to sit down and be quiet (these really are the rules of the carline). I went and parked. As I walked in I was kind of embarrassed. Who knew what kind of tantrum it was and all of the teachers seemed to be staring. When I found him he was with Mr. L (the principal) and discussing his behavior. Thank goodness for Mr. L who (so far) seems to have the patience of a saint! He told Logan that all rules that they have aren't just "Logan Rules" but they are for everyone, including himself. I think Logan may have understood that a little better, but who knows. They high-fived one another and agreed next week would be much better.

Logan has had a pretty good Labor day weekend. We spent almost the entire weekend at the Fort Wayne Air Show hosted by the Air Nat'l Guard. It was awesome! Tomorrow we resume the school routine. He did sit on my lap last night and said that he feels like crying when he is at school but he doesn't. He said that it hurts to swallow when he misses me so much, but he doesn't want the other kids to know he is sad. How sweet is that...

Well - I hope you all have a FABULOUS week ahead of you! Cheers to a positive *short* week!

Autumn

 

Back to School...

For a while now I keep hearing the words IEP in conjunction with Logan and school. My mother-in-law is a special education teacher and I know she has to write these things all the time. I have been advised to try and have an IEP set for Logan...however, what exactly is an IEP??? I decided to educate myself in this area:

An IEP stands for Individualized Education Program. An IEP is put into place to allow teachers, parents, and the administrators to work together to come up with a customized education so that the child can perform to the best of his ability with his disability. This helps the teachers/parents to come up with a program that will allow the student to progress in the general curriculum (if that makes sense).

During Logan's therapy session this morning we discussed what his teachers current classroom goals are for Logan. This is what Mrs.Q (his teacher) came up with: following directions from adults the first time, waiting his turn, active listening, staying on task, and keeping hands/feet/objects to himself. I agree wholeheartedly that these things definitely need worked on and addressed.

His therapist recommended today that when I left her office I needed to head to the school and try setting up a meeting with whomever is in charge of setting up an IEP. She said it would be in the best interest for Logan because if he keeps having issues and there isn't an IEP set up they can just send him home as a behavioral nuisance and he will be missing out on vital learning. She started handing me paperwork and phone numbers and said I needed to call said number to get an "advocate." I was slightly confused because I thought I am supposed to be Logan's advocate. I am his advocate.

So after I left her office I went over to the school and actually met with the principal. Super nice set of staff and teachers at our school. I don't think we could have gotten any luckier! I was asking him what I needed to do because I felt kind of awkward going in there and demanding a meeting I know very little about. We talked and he set up a meeting with the school psychologist, himself (the principal), Logan's teacher, and Neil and I. I asked him if I should call that number and have this advocate thing started... He recommended that if I wanted to I could, but said I could come to this first meeting, see how I think it goes, and decide from there if I feel we are getting to where we want to be.

Needless to say this is NOT how I thought I was going to be spending my Monday morning! I will let you all know how it goes...keep us in your thoughts as we keep pushing forward...into what seems like the unknown.

Hope you all have a fabulous week! :)

Autumn

"Maybe You'll Be Surprised..."

I know each and every single one of my readers genuinely care for Logan and our family. I really, really do appreciate that and thank each of you for your support!

As you all know I was extremely anxious to send Logan off to Kindergarten - with his history it was just super overwhelming for me. I kept telling everyone "I just don't know how this is going to work." or "There is no way he is going to be able to do this unless something changes." 99% of the time my friends, family, husband, acquaintances, and whomever would respond "Maybe you'll be surprised!" with an optimistic attitude. I honestly wanted nothing more than to be pleasantly surprised, however, that is NOT the case. I know my boy all too well, I know his triggers, I know his struggles, I know pretty much anything and everything he is going to feel before he feels it. I JUST KNOW HIM.

Day 1 (Wed) of Kindergarten: He is in great spirits and excited to go to school. We get there and there are lots of other kids and parents waiting in the hallway for the bell to ring so that we can all walk our babies to their classrooms. He gets extremely anxious in the hallway - starts pulling his hair and grumbling. Asks me not to touch him. I know he has hit his breaking point. As the bell rings and the hallways clear - he calms down - hugs me and has a smile on his face. I drop him off and pray. Later on I pick him up. He is all smiles and said he had a great day! I call his teacher as soon as I can - and she says that she thinks he had a great first day. He had to take a few timeouts for getting up without permission and interupting the teacher while she was talking to other children, but he kept his hands and feet to himself for the most part. We left it that we would e-mail on Thurs and talk over the phone on Fri.

Day 2 (Thurs): As Logan settles into the car I ask him how his day went and he responds with "Well I sat in timeout like 4 or 5 or 6 or maybe 2 times today." Hmmm. Okay... So I e-mail his teacher asking what she observed, if he had a good day/bad day, and how he managed to do in a class with 20+ kids. I didn't hear from her until almost 9 p.m. last night and she ended up calling me. His behavior was night and day from the first day. He was really out of sorts and would shut down when she tried to talk with him. She said he was unable to be still - his hands and feet were going all day. He had no self-control. He was caught poking another child with a fork at the lunch table. He was a wild man on the playground (BUT in his defense there were 55 kids to 2 teachers). On one hand I wanted to break down and cry and on the other hand I was totally okay that they were actually seeing it first hand.

Today is day 3 and he is currently in school. I have tried staying busy but he is all I can think about. Logan is a sweet boy and has a great heart, however, he gets overstimulated sooooo easy. His current diagnosis' are Impulse Control Disorder w/ Agression and ADHD. I shouldn't dwell on the label, but dang it - it isn't right yet - and we haven't found a way to manage his behavior. There is something more to this story... Something that we are missing and I KNOW IT. I am not by any means blaming our doctors or therapists, they are a God send. Amazing people - but he is just a hard case to crack. Today I have been contemplating if I should call up Dr. Walsh  (the neurogeneticist) in Indy - he had said that if we were unable to get results that he would further investigate.

What connects developmental delay, right sided motor weakness, drooling, bundle branch block of the heart, a horseshoe kidney, impulse disorder, easily overstimulated, and lack of self control? There has to be something. I am struggling with what direction I need to go. I am his advocate and I have to speak up for his sake...because he can't!

So if you don't mind keeping all of us in your prayers once again I will be forever grateful. Also, if you have ANY suggestions what-so-ever please let me know!!! I am open to any suggestions.

Thanks guys!!!

First Day of School 2012!

Miss Emily - An official 6th grade "Middle-Schooler"

So proud of the young lady she has become!

First day of 3rd for Gracie and Kindergarten for my Logan!

Love them holding hands...

Had to have one with the school sign! :)

Daddy and his babies waiting until the bell rings to head to class!

Logan found his seat and was excited for the BIG DAY!

Gracie found hers, too! She absolutely LOVES her classroom!

To be completely honest - I think is going to be the best school year yet. We are in an excellent school district and the teachers are AMAZING. Each of their teachers have THE BEST attitudes, genuine smiles on their faces, and you can tell they really love their job - which makes a HUGE difference as we all know!

A *Smile*

Recently we checked in with Dr. B... We had been trying to wean Logan off of all medications, however, he had a meltdown in her office that consisted of biting, scratching, hitting, kicking, etc. and our hopes of weaning him off of the last medication quickly went down the drain. I am not going to lie - I was upset! I was upset that I couldn't control him long enough to get what I wanted {him off of ALL the medications}. You could tell she felt really bad about changing her mind, but she reminded us that it is what is in his best interest...and he obviously NEEDS something to help him. She ended up prescribing a medication called Zyprexa.

The dose she initially put him on was 5 mg. The first night was just insane because he was so wired and couldn't fall asleep. He was bouncing around, getting out of bed, hungry, etc. Over the next week we didn't really see any difference at all...except he was a little more excitable and anxious.We checked back in with Dr. B after our week long trial and she felt the dose should be bumped up to 10 mg. In my head I only saw this magnifying the excitability, impulsivity, etc. My mommy instincts were a little weary about bumping up the dose.

Seriously - I am not even kidding - The next morning after going up to the 10mg dose he woke up with a smile on his face! Usually he wakes up groggy, kind of grouchy if he doesn't get what he wants right away, and out of sorts. I was thinking there was no way the medication could work that fast. The day went perfectly - we had NO HITTING, KICKING, BITING, PINCHING, SCRATCHING, SCREAMING, etc. Then he went to bed without any craziness. He gave hugs and kisses, said his prayer, and went to sleep! He never even got up once.

Today is day six on this dose and we have had zero hitting, kicking, biting, pinching, scratching, screaming, etc for six days. He has had a few moments (when he has tried interupting my conversations and needs my attention right.this.second or when the girls are just testing his new found patience) but for the most part he has been pleasant... redirectable... more cuddly... and just happier. He has stopped and let me explain the reasons for the rules we have in place.

Dr. B did warn us not to get too excited. She reminded us that his brain chemicals are changing constantly as he continues to grow. We have already witnessed that meds that work long-term for most children will stop working in a matter of a month or so with him. I am going to remain optimistic. If nothing else comes from this I will take away the days that we have enjoyed together as a family - The conversations we have been having - The sweet smile that has been on his face for almost a WEEK now!

We have been praying a long time now for help and healing for him. We continue to pray that this is an answer to our prayers. That this is a step in the right direction. In my heart I feel that we might just be moving in the right direction. Please, please let it be so.

Here are a few pictures and a video from this past week:

Playing a game so nicely!

Smiling because he is just HAPPY!

Playdoh with his sister!

Our trip to the park!





Thank you for catching up and praying for our sweet boy!!!

Autumn



Baby Steps...

Today has been a difficult day. I had planned my day out and had decided to clean the house. It is in desperate need of some attention! I started in the playroom...while the girls were out of town Logan played in there a lot to keep himself busy. All of the toy bins were mixed up and things were strewn about. It was definitely not organized. I like the toys to be organized and accessible so that Logan knows where to find the pieces and things aren't so chaotic. He just plays better when things are nice and neat.

During my time cleaning out the playroom Logan was feeling rather grouchy. I had asked him to help pick up some of the toys...but he was more upset that I was changing things around. I let the idea of him helping me organize go and his sister volunteered to help me out. I had asked her to put away a little horse in its container when he came running over and slammed the lid to the container down on her three fingers. It was a complete disaster.

It's times like this that I just want to scream! She did nothing to deserve that from him, but yet it is so impulsive that he honestly has no control over it. I am not making excuses for him and he did get a timeout. However, I was sooooo frustrated! This got me thinking back to our "plan" for him. What is the best plan?! I don't really know. All I know is that Kindergarten is coming awful fast... What do we do when he has been weaned off of all medicine?! What are the appropriate steps to take?!

While still pondering all of this I decided to go out and get the mail. When I grabbed the mail I received a dictation from Dr. D. (the original neuropsychologist) that Logan's new behavior-therapist had had sent to me. It was the original dictation from January 2011. She wanted me to re-read what his dictation had specified. At that time Logan was 4 1/2 years old and too young for formal testing. He didn't think that he fit under the autism spectrum because he was able to make eye contact and hold a conversation. He did state that socially he was "still quite a bit behind" and "quite impulsive." He also stated that he wanted to stay involved with this case and do testing if the interventions were not sucessful.

I had one of those "A-Ha" mommy moments. A year and a half later with lots of documentation from Dr.B and also having been inpatient with all episodes documented, I think Dr. D will have a better idea of what is going on and what approach we will need to take. I decided to call and ask if they would be able to do the testing now and the nurse assured me that he will do the testing.

At this point I feel that I have made the right decision and am praying that Dr. B (his current psych that regulates his meds) will feel okay with this, too. We see her on Friday and I am going to discuss this with her as well, and make sure she is on board. His appointment with Dr. D is set for August 13th and school starts August 23ish?! I am still freaking out about that. However, I think this is one more step in the right direction...as long as this process may take. It would be soooo much easier if I could just kidnap the doctor for a day or two, bring him to my house and on an outting or two, have him observe all of the behavior and then he could be like "this is what's wrong and this is how we fix it" but that will never happen! As for right now I think I have made the right decision. August 13th cannot come soon enough!!!

Thank you for catching up!

Autumn

Mini-Vacation

This past weekend we took Logan to the Children's Museum in Indianapolis. Neil and I decided that he could pick out a special place he wanted to go. His sisters had been travelling the Eastern U.S. with Grandma C for 2 weeks and we deserved something! His choices were Shedd Aquarium in Chicago (which I was secretly hoping he would pick), an overnight stay at Splash Universe in Shipshewanna, or the Indianapolis Children's Museum. He picked the museum. We have taken him every single year and he absolutely loves it!

Behavior-wise he did fairly well. There were a few instances where he got angry with other children because they would want to touch what he had or accidentally bump into him...but all in all he did okay. We were able to redirect him which was the most important thing. Here are a few pictures from our time there:

This was one of his favorite dinosaurs and he requested this picture with his daddy.

He loved the HotWheels Exhibit...and the mini-bikes!

We have always gone to see the plays that they have - they do such an amazing job!!! This was Logan's highlight of the day!

This is Logan with the pirate from the play - He was actually in the last play we went to, too! :)

This was Logan exploring the shipwrecked cannons. They also had a real cannon that was 300 years old (being preserved) on display, too.

This was the HotWheels ring of fire that we got to walk through!

So we finished our fun day with a stop at Hamilton Town Center Mall for a bite to eat and dessert! I would say it was a pretty sucessful trip! ;)

Autumn