A *Smile*

Recently we checked in with Dr. B... We had been trying to wean Logan off of all medications, however, he had a meltdown in her office that consisted of biting, scratching, hitting, kicking, etc. and our hopes of weaning him off of the last medication quickly went down the drain. I am not going to lie - I was upset! I was upset that I couldn't control him long enough to get what I wanted {him off of ALL the medications}. You could tell she felt really bad about changing her mind, but she reminded us that it is what is in his best interest...and he obviously NEEDS something to help him. She ended up prescribing a medication called Zyprexa.

The dose she initially put him on was 5 mg. The first night was just insane because he was so wired and couldn't fall asleep. He was bouncing around, getting out of bed, hungry, etc. Over the next week we didn't really see any difference at all...except he was a little more excitable and anxious.We checked back in with Dr. B after our week long trial and she felt the dose should be bumped up to 10 mg. In my head I only saw this magnifying the excitability, impulsivity, etc. My mommy instincts were a little weary about bumping up the dose.

Seriously - I am not even kidding - The next morning after going up to the 10mg dose he woke up with a smile on his face! Usually he wakes up groggy, kind of grouchy if he doesn't get what he wants right away, and out of sorts. I was thinking there was no way the medication could work that fast. The day went perfectly - we had NO HITTING, KICKING, BITING, PINCHING, SCRATCHING, SCREAMING, etc. Then he went to bed without any craziness. He gave hugs and kisses, said his prayer, and went to sleep! He never even got up once.

Today is day six on this dose and we have had zero hitting, kicking, biting, pinching, scratching, screaming, etc for six days. He has had a few moments (when he has tried interupting my conversations and needs my attention right.this.second or when the girls are just testing his new found patience) but for the most part he has been pleasant... redirectable... more cuddly... and just happier. He has stopped and let me explain the reasons for the rules we have in place.

Dr. B did warn us not to get too excited. She reminded us that his brain chemicals are changing constantly as he continues to grow. We have already witnessed that meds that work long-term for most children will stop working in a matter of a month or so with him. I am going to remain optimistic. If nothing else comes from this I will take away the days that we have enjoyed together as a family - The conversations we have been having - The sweet smile that has been on his face for almost a WEEK now!

We have been praying a long time now for help and healing for him. We continue to pray that this is an answer to our prayers. That this is a step in the right direction. In my heart I feel that we might just be moving in the right direction. Please, please let it be so.

Here are a few pictures and a video from this past week:

Playing a game so nicely!

Smiling because he is just HAPPY!

Playdoh with his sister!

Our trip to the park!





Thank you for catching up and praying for our sweet boy!!!

Autumn



Baby Steps...

Today has been a difficult day. I had planned my day out and had decided to clean the house. It is in desperate need of some attention! I started in the playroom...while the girls were out of town Logan played in there a lot to keep himself busy. All of the toy bins were mixed up and things were strewn about. It was definitely not organized. I like the toys to be organized and accessible so that Logan knows where to find the pieces and things aren't so chaotic. He just plays better when things are nice and neat.

During my time cleaning out the playroom Logan was feeling rather grouchy. I had asked him to help pick up some of the toys...but he was more upset that I was changing things around. I let the idea of him helping me organize go and his sister volunteered to help me out. I had asked her to put away a little horse in its container when he came running over and slammed the lid to the container down on her three fingers. It was a complete disaster.

It's times like this that I just want to scream! She did nothing to deserve that from him, but yet it is so impulsive that he honestly has no control over it. I am not making excuses for him and he did get a timeout. However, I was sooooo frustrated! This got me thinking back to our "plan" for him. What is the best plan?! I don't really know. All I know is that Kindergarten is coming awful fast... What do we do when he has been weaned off of all medicine?! What are the appropriate steps to take?!

While still pondering all of this I decided to go out and get the mail. When I grabbed the mail I received a dictation from Dr. D. (the original neuropsychologist) that Logan's new behavior-therapist had had sent to me. It was the original dictation from January 2011. She wanted me to re-read what his dictation had specified. At that time Logan was 4 1/2 years old and too young for formal testing. He didn't think that he fit under the autism spectrum because he was able to make eye contact and hold a conversation. He did state that socially he was "still quite a bit behind" and "quite impulsive." He also stated that he wanted to stay involved with this case and do testing if the interventions were not sucessful.

I had one of those "A-Ha" mommy moments. A year and a half later with lots of documentation from Dr.B and also having been inpatient with all episodes documented, I think Dr. D will have a better idea of what is going on and what approach we will need to take. I decided to call and ask if they would be able to do the testing now and the nurse assured me that he will do the testing.

At this point I feel that I have made the right decision and am praying that Dr. B (his current psych that regulates his meds) will feel okay with this, too. We see her on Friday and I am going to discuss this with her as well, and make sure she is on board. His appointment with Dr. D is set for August 13th and school starts August 23ish?! I am still freaking out about that. However, I think this is one more step in the right direction...as long as this process may take. It would be soooo much easier if I could just kidnap the doctor for a day or two, bring him to my house and on an outting or two, have him observe all of the behavior and then he could be like "this is what's wrong and this is how we fix it" but that will never happen! As for right now I think I have made the right decision. August 13th cannot come soon enough!!!

Thank you for catching up!

Autumn

Mini-Vacation

This past weekend we took Logan to the Children's Museum in Indianapolis. Neil and I decided that he could pick out a special place he wanted to go. His sisters had been travelling the Eastern U.S. with Grandma C for 2 weeks and we deserved something! His choices were Shedd Aquarium in Chicago (which I was secretly hoping he would pick), an overnight stay at Splash Universe in Shipshewanna, or the Indianapolis Children's Museum. He picked the museum. We have taken him every single year and he absolutely loves it!

Behavior-wise he did fairly well. There were a few instances where he got angry with other children because they would want to touch what he had or accidentally bump into him...but all in all he did okay. We were able to redirect him which was the most important thing. Here are a few pictures from our time there:

This was one of his favorite dinosaurs and he requested this picture with his daddy.

He loved the HotWheels Exhibit...and the mini-bikes!

We have always gone to see the plays that they have - they do such an amazing job!!! This was Logan's highlight of the day!

This is Logan with the pirate from the play - He was actually in the last play we went to, too! :)

This was Logan exploring the shipwrecked cannons. They also had a real cannon that was 300 years old (being preserved) on display, too.

This was the HotWheels ring of fire that we got to walk through!

So we finished our fun day with a stop at Hamilton Town Center Mall for a bite to eat and dessert! I would say it was a pretty sucessful trip! ;)

Autumn







It's not just me...

While I was surfing facebook this evening after I put Logan to bed I came across this article.  It is times like this where I can be completely fine...and then I break down! Literally the tears just kept coming as I kept re-reading this paragraph:

"The trip to the mall turned out to be exactly what they so often are – a roller coaster ride. It was wonderful until it wasn’t. It was fun and carefree until it was overwhelming and impossible to manage. It was sweet and girly and joyful until it was hard and painful and sad."

This hit the nail on the head. I don't know that anyone could have said it any better...and it really hit home because just yesterday Logan and I spent our afternoon at the mall. Initially it went great because we went and ate at his favorite place right from the get go and that distracted him from everything else:

As our time at the mall got longer and longer his anxiety went up and he started acting really antsy, hiding in the clothes racks, and being super grouchy. Then I became grouchy - and selfish - because I went to the mall looking for specific decor for his sisters room and I couldn't remember which store I had spotted these cute little mirror owl stick-on things that I really wanted to find. I only made it worse because I had it stuck in my head that I drove all the way out north, I don't get to the mall very often, and I was going to find what I was looking for. What the heck was I thinking? Why would I do that to him? It's these feelings that overwhelm my brain sometimes and I just feel like a complete failure of a mom. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I know I will never be a "perfect" mom and I try sooooo hard to be a good one... There are just days where I wish just one day, one trip to the mall, would go as well as I see mom's with 2 or 3 kids strolling casually without incident.

Look at this: This is a picture of Logan's haircut that he received today. It is a complete wreck! Not because of the lady doing his hair, but because he is afraid of the spray bottle, the scissors "tickled", and he was scared/over sensitive of the clippers... So he has crooked hair, you can see lines, and the back is a little higher than what we were going for because the clippers startled him. Never-the-less he is adorable!



The reality for us is that we were not meant to have a cookie-cutter, submissive, easy-going type of child. I know God has a plan for us - it may not be exactly how I want his plan to go, but he's taking care of it. Every upset, every tantrum, every smile, every hug...It is all when it is supposed to be and when we need it regardless of how I feel.

More than anything I am thankful for my unique son: who he is and who he will become. Although there will be hard days, weeks, months, etc. I know we will get through this as a team with unconditional love and be stronger than ever. I just know it.

Love,
Autumn



What comes to mind currently:

1.) My girls are out of town and I miss them...SO MUCH.

2.) My constant worry for Logan is ever-present. I just want to fix everything!

3.) Money doesn't make me like you any more, just so you know.

4.) If you haven't been 100% supportive of Logan and our struggles...do not ever think that Logan won't remember it. My child has THE BEST memory in the world. Seriously.

5.) Not everyone has unconditional love...it sucks! Luckily my husband, myself, and our children do.

6.) We have had a rough week (as if you can't tell from previous statements).

7.) Logan has had many issues listening, obeying, and coping this last week. I think part of it is the medication getting out of his system and the other part is missing his sisters. His routine is off.

8.) Tomorrow we see Logan's new behavioral therapist. Pray that we "click." Pray that she can help him and help us to better understand what we need to do as parents to help our child.

9.) We took Logan to see "Brave" and it was pretty good. It kept his attention and he was still the entire time!

10.) I am missing the beach and the 2 week vacation we had. Selfishly I feel as though I could totally use more vacation time. I wish I could live "vacation." This "every day life" gets quite hard some days.

11.) Shopping/Cooking are my coping mechanisms. Neither which are good habits...

12.) I could start excercising again - since it has been a few weeks - but I don't really feel like it.

I will write a nicer blog later about my baby turning 6...but tonight it's a carry-out dinner, bubble bath, and a glass of wine kind of night. :)

Autumn