While I was surfing facebook this evening after I put Logan to bed I came across this article. It is times like this where I can be completely fine...and then I break down! Literally the tears just kept coming as I kept re-reading this paragraph:
As our time at the mall got longer and longer his anxiety went up and he started acting really antsy, hiding in the clothes racks, and being super grouchy. Then I became grouchy - and selfish - because I went to the mall looking for specific decor for his sisters room and I couldn't remember which store I had spotted these cute little mirror owl stick-on things that I really wanted to find. I only made it worse because I had it stuck in my head that I drove all the way out north, I don't get to the mall very often, and I was going to find what I was looking for. What the heck was I thinking? Why would I do that to him? It's these feelings that overwhelm my brain sometimes and I just feel like a complete failure of a mom. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I know I will never be a "perfect" mom and I try sooooo hard to be a good one... There are just days where I wish just one day, one trip to the mall, would go as well as I see mom's with 2 or 3 kids strolling casually without incident.
Look at this: This is a picture of Logan's haircut that he received today. It is a complete wreck! Not because of the lady doing his hair, but because he is afraid of the spray bottle, the scissors "tickled", and he was scared/over sensitive of the clippers... So he has crooked hair, you can see lines, and the back is a little higher than what we were going for because the clippers startled him. Never-the-less he is adorable!
More than anything I am thankful for my unique son: who he is and who he will become. Although there will be hard days, weeks, months, etc. I know we will get through this as a team with unconditional love and be stronger than ever. I just know it.
Love,
Autumn
"The trip to the mall turned out to be exactly what they so often are – a roller coaster ride. It was wonderful until it wasn’t. It was fun and carefree until it was overwhelming and impossible to manage. It was sweet and girly and joyful until it was hard and painful and sad."
This hit the nail on the head. I don't know that anyone could have said it any better...and it really hit home because just yesterday Logan and I spent our afternoon at the mall. Initially it went great because we went and ate at his favorite place right from the get go and that distracted him from everything else:
As our time at the mall got longer and longer his anxiety went up and he started acting really antsy, hiding in the clothes racks, and being super grouchy. Then I became grouchy - and selfish - because I went to the mall looking for specific decor for his sisters room and I couldn't remember which store I had spotted these cute little mirror owl stick-on things that I really wanted to find. I only made it worse because I had it stuck in my head that I drove all the way out north, I don't get to the mall very often, and I was going to find what I was looking for. What the heck was I thinking? Why would I do that to him? It's these feelings that overwhelm my brain sometimes and I just feel like a complete failure of a mom. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I know I will never be a "perfect" mom and I try sooooo hard to be a good one... There are just days where I wish just one day, one trip to the mall, would go as well as I see mom's with 2 or 3 kids strolling casually without incident.
Look at this: This is a picture of Logan's haircut that he received today. It is a complete wreck! Not because of the lady doing his hair, but because he is afraid of the spray bottle, the scissors "tickled", and he was scared/over sensitive of the clippers... So he has crooked hair, you can see lines, and the back is a little higher than what we were going for because the clippers startled him. Never-the-less he is adorable!
The reality for us is that we were not meant to have a cookie-cutter, submissive, easy-going type of child. I know God has a plan for us - it may not be exactly how I want his plan to go, but he's taking care of it. Every upset, every tantrum, every smile, every hug...It is all when it is supposed to be and when we need it regardless of how I feel. More than anything I am thankful for my unique son: who he is and who he will become. Although there will be hard days, weeks, months, etc. I know we will get through this as a team with unconditional love and be stronger than ever. I just know it.
Love,
Autumn
Keeping it real! I can relate to so much of the emotion you put in your posts. It would be so nice to have a "normal" day, run errands without mapping out ideal time, day and mood. When I tell someone I went to a store (insert destination of choice) and that was at least half the day, the incredulous look is almost.... almost laughable because they simply cannot comprehend all the effort, energy, and logistic planning is involved just to get to the place. And then all that goes on behind the scenes at the store to appear civilized - if lucky its hidden to others eyes. But in the end what matters is that our kids know we love them.
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