Thursday, May 3, 2012

1 Step Forward; 2 Steps Back

Point blank: I am struggling. Logan's medication obviously isn't right. We had a terrible day yesterday - Tons of stuttering, not being able to get his words out, throwing full blown temper tantrums and being super aggressive. He is definitely not himself. His body and facial expressions didn't even seem like him, if that makes any sense what-so-ever. I am not sure why. I have continued the same schedule that he had as inpatient. I do breakfast, lunch and dinner at the exact times he had there. We do our playtime, recess, and craft time just like we have been advised. Medication times have remained the same...and even shower time. We have continued with the "one time rule" and given zero slack (as advised). So WHY are things reverting back so quickly?

Yesterday it was one battle after the next... In the car to go pick up his big sister from her play practice his other sister reached down and picked up a bag that belonged to him (but it was empty and he was paying no attention to it). He jumped out of his seat so quickly and started pinching/scratching her because that was HIS bag. I pulled the car over, discussed that we cannot behave like that, and that if it happened again that he would have a timeout when we got home. Next - His big sis opened the back door to let the dogs out and he immediately started hitting and kicking her because he didn't want the dogs to go outside. He threw a massive tantrum about having to go take a timeout. Next - His grandma stopped by to see the garden he planted and he was still in a g-r-o-u-c-h-y mood. He took her outside, showed her his garden, and then came in and asked for a sucker. I simply told him that he couldn't have a sucker, but he could pick a healthy snack i.e: his crackers, apples, carrots and dip, etc. That didn't please him at all. That episode ended up with me carrying a kicking, screaming, hitting 60 lb child up an entire flight of stairs. Then last but not least we had our bedtime incident. He didn't want to take a shower @ bedtime. I asked him to go ahead and get undressed and I would run the water -- as I turned to walk out of his room he took an entire cup of ice water and threw it towards me as I was walking out. He refused to take a timeout for that, so I ended up having to do the "bear hug" and he was able to wriggle out and I have a huge bruise where he bit me on the forearm, along with some pretty nice scratches.

I am not telling you all this to make you feel sorry for me- that is not it at all - this is just a glimpse into what challenges I face on a daily basis as a mother to a child with special needs. It is rough, it is exhausting, and some days I wonder if I will ever make it until bedtime before I break down and cry. I want so badly to help him control his anger, help him express his feelings, and help him cope with those feelings. I honestly know in my heart he doesn't want to hurt people and he is remorseful when the time passes and we discuss what has happened.

After he had finally fallen asleep I put in a call to the doctor... The only bummer is that his doctor is on vacation, so I had to speak with another doctor in her practice. He recommended that I stop the Focalin because a lot of times stimulants will only increase aggression...and his doctor did warn me about that. She had said something to the effect that if it works it will be really good, but if it isn't the right combo it will be really bad. I am thinking it was really bad. So after I hung up the phone I had another little breakdown - another "reality check" that this is far from over. Will it ever really be over??? Will he ever outgrow this or at least learn to cope with it??? All of those "why did this happen to our family" and "what exactly is wrong with him" type of feelings just flood my brain some nights. Sometimes a good cry exhausts me to the point of being able to sleep and not sitting there awake thinking...

On the flip side - He has had a great morning! He played in his room for an hour with his little animals pretending...and he is now sitting across the table from me doing little sticky foam crafts and singing a happy little tune that he is making up as he goes along. It really is from one extreme to the next... Could it be that medication was wrong? Or is it something else?

We have a meeting with his doctor on Monday to check in. I am also ordering a couple of books and doing a little research on a new diet for Logan... I haven't started it just yet, but think after our vacation in June that it surely couldn't hurt. I am ready for him to start healing.

Thanks for taking the time to catch up... You are all amazing supporters and I appreciate it.