Wednesday, April 25, 2012

A Heavy Heart

As most of you know, Logan has struggled with his behavior for a while now. He has been going to therapy, we have done family therapy, and he has been prescribed a few different medications. This is not something I am proud of...and to be honest I feel kind of like I have failed him. I have tried everything I know, have learned, and can possibly think of to try and curb his outbursts, tantrums, and meltdowns. They are just a constant battle for himself and our family.

This past week while we were in his psychiatrist office and were discussing what change we should make - he tried to interupt us while we were talking. He wanted to play on my phone, but the problem was I didn't have my phone. The office of his dr has a no cell phone policy and it was in the car. This sent him into a fit which consisted of him throwing himself onto the floor, kicking, screaming, hitting, etc. His dr looked at me with a concerned look and said "I think it's time to admit him for observation."

I am still in a fog. I have all of the "what-if's" running through my head. Ugh! We have been told that it will be roughly 5-7 days. He was admitted Monday evening @ 7:30 p.m. Yesterday they did a 24 hour observation - he does group activities, school, gym, story time, group therapy, goal setting, etc. We are allowed to see him anytime (with special priviledges from the dr). Normally the parents are only allowed to see the child at lunch time and dinner time. We are blessed that we are able to come and go and be as involved in his action plan as possible. I spend the majority of the day with him and only leave for his school time, therapy time, and group sessions so that way they can evaluate him in those circumstances where I am not normally with him. The staff is amazing. We have the most devoted, loving, and caring staff I have ever seen. You can tell they all do this job because they love children.

If you are sad or upset that I have not personally called you - I APOLOGIZE! I cannot be on the phone without crying! My heart literally feels like it is broken. I spend every.single.day of my life with him. He is my life and my world revolves around him. It just does. He has required so much of my attention for the last 5 years that him taking 100% of my attention has become normal. This is THE HARDEST thing I have ever gone through. I never thought something like this would happen to our family. It is so hard not to be embarrassed by the fact that I couldn't control him. The doctors keep reminding me that no matter how hard I tried, how hard we tried, you cannot control a chemical imbalance. It is impossible. :(

If you are reading this and do not agree with our method of treatment, I am truly sorry, but this is the best thing for Logan. I guarantee you that you have never been in this situation if you are judging it. I used to think this kind of thing was for parents who didn't have a clue or didn't try their hardest...and I will fully admit that I was wrong. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through...and again I just wish there was something I could have done sooner. If you pray, please pray for our family. Please pray hard for Logan and his actions. Pray that they find the right medication and dosages quickly so that we aren't away from him for too long and that when he is released that he be healed and have new techniques to help curb his aggression.

Thank you for taking the time to read and catch up on our sweet boy (he really can be sweet). I know we will get through this and this will all be a thing of the past soon. I just can't wait to get there.

Autumn

6 comments:

  1. I know I don't know you Autumn, but your post made me tear up for your family. I will never judge a loving parent who is doing everything they possibly can to help their child. When traditional medicine did nothing for my child and we started in with homeopathic means, boy did I hear the worst out of people as they saw me as trying "voodoo" on my son, which was further from the truth. Keep on whatever path is working for your son and your family and have faith in the methods you are trying. Prayers will be offered up for your family this evening as I pray nightly with each of my children and I try to make sure each one of them understands that other families have struggles too and need prayers just like we do:) My heart goes out to you from one mom to another just trying to make the best decisions for our children. -Heather

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    1. Thank you so much for your concern and compassion Heather. I truly appreciate it more than you know. It must be the natural instinct of a mom to go out on limbs we never dreamed we would have to go... We also did homeopathic means. I wish you the best of luck for your family as well. Take care!

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  3. Wiping away tears... I feel your pain. I don't comment on your blog, but I do keep up with it. I've got several things to say. First of all - setting boundaries is so hard to do, especially with family and friends. Sounds like you're doing that - good for you and good for your nuclear family. The others will get over it and with any luck join your side to offer the support your family needs instead of judging what they don't know or understand. And yes moms go where we go because we will love, nurture and protect our children no matter what it takes. And us moms living in the special needs arena have to constantly draw on reserves of strength we aren't even sure we have. I'm insulted for you that you are being judged! Makes me want to hand them the "life" and tell them to do what we do for even one day... all day and hope they get one of our "bad" days. Walk a mile in the shoes, you know! But that's a daydream and when I stop to really consider it, I wouldn't want to put my son through that unneccessary stress. I can only begin to imagine how wrecked you must be this week. Is Logan still on a special diet... corn free? If so, is that being kept in mind with the meds? Don't want to add to your load... just wondering if he's getting corned or hit with something else that could be a piece to the symptoms. Due to my experiences, the first thing I usually consider is diet and more oft than not ends up being the culprit or crossing the threshold. Sending up loads of hugs and love to you, Logan and your family.

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    1. We are trying to stick with a corn-free diet as much as possible, but the meds still contain trace ammounts of corn. They said it is a risk vs. benefit as far as the medicine goes. If he doesn't have his medicine he is a risk not only to others, but himself. As you can understand...it is so hard! It's a good thing I am able to be up with him pretty frequently, or I might just lose my mind! We were told today that it will be at least another week. Ugh! :( I will try and keep the blog updated when I have downtime! Thank you for your kind words!

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