Thursday, January 17, 2013

A Rollercoaster...

Most days I am positive and happy - I always (always) remind myself there is something good in just have to see it. I make myself see it. I am always telling myself that there are worse situations, and I have not had to endure near what some have endured. On the days that it is a constant argument I remind myself that my children are able to argue - some children are non-verbal and their parents will never hear their voice... On days that Logan is being physical I remind myself that (even though it is rough) he is able to move about - some children don't have that. However, there are some days (like today) that I just feel soooo completely overwhelmed. I try so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is hard. I try and remind myself that even if I cannot see the light at the is there. I become sensitive to comments, jokes, and expressions that I normally wouldn't. I want to shut the world out. I wonder if everything I have done will make a difference.....

These are the days that I despise. These type of days can make 3 good days in a row seem so small and insignificant. They are not small and insignificant, I know. It has been a while since we have had an honest "good day." I have received a phone call from the teacher every day this week. Logan is having trouble keeping his hands and feet to himself. He cannot keep his hands off of others. He is refusing to do his writing exercises in school. Meltdowns are frequent... and yesterday he even took a trip to the principals office.

I spent the day before yesterday in the ER. This past week I have been in a lot of pain (thanks to a kidney stone). It did finally pass, but it really messed up my rhythm. I feel out of sync - I feel somewhat responsible for Logan's behavior. Logan thrives on structure and needless to say when I got hit with my kidney issues I couldn't function like I normally do. This resulted in him acting out... I think part of it is him being worried about me and not knowing how to express it, the other part is just having his routine thrown off. He always goes to bed around 7:30-8:00 at the latest, and the last two nights he has been up until 10 p.m. I finally gave in (out of guilt) and let him lay with me both nights and he fell asleep in my arms.

Last night Neil transferred him to his own bed. At 1 a.m. I woke up to a giant "thud." He had fallen out of his bed. This is the first time that that had ever happened. At 3 a.m. I heard another loud "thud" and he had fallen out of bed AGAIN! He was at the foot of his bed crawling around on the floor and confused. Just crazy! I scooped him up, woke him up a little, kissed him goodnight, and tucked him back in.

Oh, I also missed his ENT appointment that we had been waiting on since the beginning of December. It was scheduled for the day after I got out of the hospital. I am telling you, this is NOT me! I am usually right on with the appointments and what-not. It's awful!

Anyway - Here's to a better rest of the week - more positives than negatives - and I will NOT keep this pity-party going! Gonna head to my kidney doctor, go for a run, and try and re-start this whole thing we thrive on: OUR ROUTINE!

I try to be honest and share the good, the bad, and the ugly! Hope each of you have a great's got to go up from here! Xoxo!

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