Am I Crazy? (*Vent Session*)

Okay - I know that headline has to catch your attention. It is a question I am asking myself after what I witnessed today. I am trying to determine if I am being the overprotective / hard to get along with parent...

Today - I worked in Logan's classroom. He was actually perfect for the almost 2 hours that I was in the class. We were preparing for their Thanksgiving Feast that they are having tomorrow. I ran a craft table where the kids designed their own little Indian vests... It was TOO CUTE! When we were finishing up the cleaning the kiddos were sent to lunch. After I finished helping clean up the room, I decided to go down to check on my little guy because that is where he has the most problems with self-control.

When I got to the lunch room Logan was seated at a table by himself. I asked him if he had gotten into trouble and he said no. I asked why he was sitting alone and he said "They make me sit by myself every day mom." This was concerning to me. I went out to recess and just observed him and helped him play nice instead of the dinosaurs eating each other that he was trying to play (dinosaurs = growling, biting, scratching, chasing...all of the negative things he shouldn't be doing). He got involved in a game of tag and other than accidentally tagging a little girl too hard and making her fall down, he did really well.

The more I thought about him sitting by himself, the more sad and frustrated I got. When recess was over I walked Logan back inside and pulled the teacher aside and explained what I witnessed in the lunch room. I asked why Logan wasn't getting a chance to try sitting with his friends first, before getting put by himself. She said she didn't really know and that she would speak with the principal. I then asked her if she honestly thought that was okay to have him sit alone without having the chance to sit with his friends, especially on a good day. She just shook her head like "i don't know." I then told her that last week when this happened Logan came home hysterical that he had to sit alone with no warning what-so-ever. He was really upset by this. She then said that she couldn't believe that because Logan didn't mention being upset to her, and she was even with him in car line that day, and he wasn't upset at all. Grrrrr! Logan doesn't turn the tears on and off at his own will - my girls can - but he just can't do that. I told her that if this was going to continue to be an issue that I would just take him home for lunch and recess, give him and the lunch monitors a break, then slowly ease him back into things. She said absolutely not - that "all he wants is relaxed time with mom." Does this make sense?!

So as I sit here and type this I am soooooo frustrated and wish more than anything I could have just pulled him and taken him home. I am frustrated beyond belief that they don't UNDERSTAND my Logan. I try so hard and so patiently to explain how Logan's brain works - how Logan reacts to things - all things that are not typical 6 year old boy behavior/thought processes...but it doesn't matter how many different ways I try to explain it - it just doesn't click with them. I have spent every waking moment with few exceptions with Logan for the last 6 years and to come to this roadblock is blowing my mind. I am at a loss of what to do except wait for the meeting we have planned.

Please pray that I can keep my composure and speak in ways that they can understand. I don't want them to think I hate them...because I don't. I like them all as people, I am just having a hard time with their "ways." I don't want them to not want me as a volunteer all because we disagree on how things should go with Logan. I want to help them - I want them to understand how my little man works - what works best for him, how to redirect him, how to give him positive reinforcement, etc. I want nothing more than to be on the same page and work together as a team to benefit Logan and Logan's education.

Please - if you feel that I am being overly picky or ridiculous - let me know! If you have suggestions, feel free to share! I want nothing more than to see the big picture and feel confident in the decisions that I am making.

Thanks guys.

Some Days Are Rough!

These last few days have not been the most pleasant. I don't know why - I have just been in a complete funk. Maybe it's the election nonsense, maybe it's that the holidays are right around the corner, or maybe it is my complete and utter frustration with trying to get my Logan the help he needs in school and home (with the frustration of not getting ANYWHERE quickly).  I would guess the latter of these three is the main cause...

Logan's behavior lately has been quite crazy... Lot's of overly excited, wild-n-crazy, impulsive moments where he doesn't really mean to be naughty or cause harm but it just happens. Logan is a very remorseful child. He does feel bad when he does something wrong...however, that feeling is short lived because this is a BIG WORLD and LOT OF THINGS are happening! The smallest thing to us can in turn be a HUGE distraction for our little man.

I have been thinking a lot about Logan's school situation: We pretty much get the same note sent home on a daily basis (Logan has failed to keep his hands/feet to himself, trouble following directions, and making poor choices), not much has changed as far as his consequences, and the general frustration of the teachers is still the same now as it was the week after he started school (actually it probably is worse). I decided that since I have been in constant communication with his teacher and we haven't really seen much of anything improve...I would put a call into the principal.

I can't tell you that conversation was magical...because it wasn't. The first time I spoke with him he was "unaware" that there were issues going on. The very next day I spoke with him...and he says he witnesses Logan quite often cause trouble and that his behavior has been "annoying." I am done over-thinking and over-analyzing the situation...I was so upset that one day he had no idea and the next day he says he witnesses it on a daily basis. I just don't understand...

We met with Logan's psychiatrist yesterday. She is trying him on a medicine that he had success with previously. It is now a combination of Zyprexa and Intuniv. So far I have seen a huge difference in the 4 days that he has been on both. His teacher on the other hand, has not witnessed the difference.  We are still having "red" days and notes that are sent home. At the doctor yesterday I asked her if she thought that maybe I was making the situation bigger than it is...she said absolutely not. Some days I just feel like I should just chill out and not get upset about the little things with Logan's schooling, however, those little things add up!!! She told me that I need to keep doing what I am doing and to keep pushing for the IEP. She even wrote a note on an rx paper instructing that Logan NEEDS an IEP and included both of his diagnoses and her reasoning. She said that she couldn't believe that they are making this so difficult. She did express her concern with him getting left behind because of the same notes (I showed her) every day. So the push for the IEP is still in process...and I will not allow my little man to get left behind.

So that is the current situation - and many tears have been shed these past few weeks. I have been an emotional wreck thinking that this could go on for a long time yet. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to take one day at a time, and that as much as I want to CONTROL every little thing, I can't always do so.

As I am ending this I want to share some awesome pictures from our family photo shoot that my sweet friend Joni Walker did for us this past month:

I love this boy more than words can describe.

My girls and my silly Logan.

This is a perfect picture if you really know us.

Love this - girls are smiling - Neil and I are holding eachother - and Logan is peaceful.

Our WHOLE family - I am holding Gus - Paisley our Piggy is in the middle - and Gracie has Peanut!

Another "candid" shot. An airplane flew over.

He loves his puppy.

My love.



Also - if you ever need an awesome photographer - she is fabulous! I couldn't have asked for a more patient, sweet, and FUN photographer. She truly embraced our children and was so sweet and patient. Love her!

 

Thanks for stopping by! :o)

 

The Invisible Disability

I have been struggling for a while now about Logan and his school "behavior." I have also been struggling with how his behavior is being addressed at school. I really do like his teacher as a person, however, I don't think she knows my Logan like I do. It has been a real struggle for our entire family.

Basically you have a class of 24 kindergartner's, one teacher, a behavior plan that is followed for all children, and a little boy that isn't your "typical" cookie-cutter child. The behavior plan goes like this: Child starts out on green...if he or she has a great day...he stays on green all day. During the course of the day (6 1/2 hours to be exact) if he or she is asked once or twice or given a friendly reminder called a "Think About It" they move to yellow. If the child does that same behavior or a different behavior that is unacceptable after the yellow - they get moved to red. First things first - I do NOT disagree with this method as a whole. My girls had very similar classroom rules when they were younger and Hailey still does in her 3rd grade class. These types of things work well overall - but Logan is not the "average" child.

Since the second or third week of school Logan has been getting red at least 4 out of 5 days...and here lately...it is 5 out of 5. This consists of a "Think About It" paper that gets sent home and he is supposed to write a sentence about what he did and another sentence on why he will not do this behavior again (mind you - he is in Kindergarten). I did call his teacher and told her that I would not make Logan write these sentences - he doesn't even know how to write all of his letters yet. I did explain to her that we discuss the behavior he gets in trouble for each and every single day and that we discuss ways that we can try to avoid certain situations or why his behavior is disruptive. She agreed that she was okay with the not writing sentences. Thank God. That would have only taken our entire evening and then some...

Here are the latest reasons for his "red" days:  Saying "he is done" with his work, laying on the floor touching the chairs during circle time, touching things on the teachers desk, not sitting still in carline, turning in his papers unfinished, calling his teachers name across the room, speaking out of turn, having trouble keeping his hands to himself, and being "the ONLY child that doesn't stand in line nicely."

I put a call into his teacher and discussed some of these things - I suggested that we needed to come up with short-term goals first before expecting my child (that has Impulse Control Disorder along with ADHD) to sit for an entire day without any of these behaviors showing themselves. I asked her if I provided the stickers and a chart if she could reward him with a sticker after each activity ie: He completes his letter "K" practice sheet, she gives him a sticker...He goes to gym w/out incident, he gets a sticker... He sits quietly and fairly still through circle time, he gets a sticker...etc. She disagreed! She said she thought he is doing this for attention and that would only reinforce the attention seeking behaviors. <<ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!>> That's what I really wanted to say, but I didn't...I just asked what she thought. She said that she would split his day into morning and afternoons - so if he messes up in the morning he has a chance at green in the afternoon or vice versa. I agreed that she could try it that way...but I have yet to see a single thing. He doesn't get two papers sent home - he gets one - just like before. I also had asked that when he shuts down and refuses to do his work if it would be possible for someone (the couselor, principal, etc.) to take him out of the classroom, talk about why he is upset, give him a short break, and then encourage him to try again. She once again disagreed with me stating "He is so smart - he knows what he is doing. That would just be giving him the break that he wants and I am not willing to do that." Her saying that makes me feel that Logan has control and thinks ahead to what consequence might happen. Logan is not a "planner" thus the IMPULSE CONTROL DISORDER. He is an in the moment child. A here and now child - not a child that stops to think - "Hey, if I don't do my paper, I might get to go for a walk with the pricipal." Or "If I don't do my paper I might lose recess." He doesn't think of those type of things. He just thinks "I don't want to do this right now." That is all his little brain is thinking - he doesn't try to plan ahead in spite of his teacher!

Another issue we discussed was his carline behavior... He was sneaking to sit with his sister and then she was trying to help "control" him and that doesn't work well AT ALL. His teacher was really beside herself about this behavior so I did ask if there was a reason he couldn't have an assigned seat with his class in carline. She said she thought that was a good idea (2 weeks ago)...until yesterday when I spoke to her and she told me again how awful he has been in carline and how he was messing around with his sister. I questioned her again about having an assigned seat and then I felt that she was stumbling with her thoughts. She said "Oh, I am not down there every day. He just isn't listening to the teachers that are down there." I asked if the teachers know that Logan has an assigned seat and she said they did, but she said he is choosing not to follow instructions and they can't watch him every second while they are calling out the numbers. However, there is not a single consequence set into place if he doesn't stay in his carline spot. I feel that is a huge problem - you can't set something in place and not have a back-up plan if that plan falls through. This would be a perfect example of when there needs to be a consequence.

He has been super antsy lately and I completely understand the frustration that his teacher has. It hasn't been a cake walk at home either. I can't say I think the tantrums are adorable, or the pulling of his hair is just too cute either...but the fact of the matter is that he is struggling internally as well as externally. It isn't just the ones around him who are suffering from his "obnoxious" behavior. He is struggling to find control of himself and it's a losing battle. How frustrating would that be if you were in his position?!

This disability isn't something you can tell by walking by us at the grocery or the Fall Festival - if you didn't know us and saw us out,  you would probably think "Great parenting skills people - Get your kid under control!" However, there is so much more to this. It truly is an "Invisable Disability."

I pray every single day for Logan - for the doctors that care for him - for the teachers that are around him - and some days even for my sanity! ;) I hope and pray families in similar situations have an amazing support group like we have because I honestly don't think I could do it without all of my family, friends, and readers who are so encouraging, supportive, thoughtful, etc. Thank you!!! Seriously - If you know another mom/dad stuggling with similar issues feel free to share my blog. I find comfort in reading other blogs and knowing that we aren't the only ones coping with this type of lifestyle.

I will post more later...we have family pictures tomorrow and Logan's parent/teacher conference on Friday. :) Have a blessed week!

Autumn


 

Weekend Fun!

Passport To Our City: Fort Wayne

 

This past weekend our city hosted something called "Be A Tourist In Your Hometown." We don't go into Downtown Fort Wayne very often, so this was the perfect opportunity to explore! Here is a look at our fun time through pictures!

 

 

 

This was at the Old Fort

The kids getting their passport stamped

Making "old" toys - wooden tops.

Logan and Grandma checking out the old brick oven.

My Gracie Girl checking out what was in the cabins. This was in the Lieutenant's cabin. :)

Posing in front of the fort.

Emily with the real cannon that they actually used back then.

Logan and Daddy with the cannon.

A bigger cannon that Logan had to have his pic with!

 

On our way to the Courthouse!

A view of Fort Wayne from a bridge crossing the river.

Kids in front of the courthouse.

It really has immaculate details inside.

I love these kids!

My sweet boy peeking around the pillar.

 

Leaving the Courthouse.

We stopped and got a bite to eat at The Gas House - where Neil purposed (awww).

I took about 5 pics here - this is the best I could get. Crazy kids!

The Lincoln Tower

Pay close attention to the very top where the flag is - we were up there 23 stories!

Looking out from the top of the tower over downtown. It was a little freaky - only a small wall and a LONG way down.

Downtown Fort Wayne.

Parkview Field.

Checking out his city with Daddy.

They thought this was so cool!

Emily snapped our picture - :)

The Embassy:

This is a theatre located downtown. It is gorgeous! I didn't get anymore pics here because I dropped my phone and it fell 15 ft below the stage.

Botanical Garden and Conservatory:

My Hailey Grace

Logan Hunter :) He did so well!

Just because I LOVE these bleeding hearts!

A little bistro in the garden! They just needed some tea! ;)

A picture with Grandma (Neil's mom) @ Botanical.

This was the LONG, WHINY, EXHAUSTING trip back to the car! I don't know how many miles we walked, but it was A LOT! All in all everyone had a great day! Love the family time!

 

What did you do this weekend?!

Logan Has Survived 2 Weeks Of Kindergarten!

Do you know how many times I write an entire paragraph only to re-read it and erase it... A LOT. In the last 2 weeks I have started to blog a few times, but I just can't find the right words... I have had writers block (which seems kind of silly when I am only writting about reality). Goodness!

Last Monday we had a meeting with several teachers, therapists, Logan's teacher, the principal, and Logan's new advocate. It went really well... It was all really nice to hear. At the meeting Logan's teacher had nothing negative to say. She said the only thing that he was really having some difficulty with was transition, but she was hopeful that with time the transitions would smooth out as well. So all in all it was a great meeting.

Next day (Tuesday) he came home in a pretty rotten mood, but said his school day went well. Not even an hour later my phone was ringing and Mrs. Q was on the phone. Logan had been playing "Tag" on the playground and kept pulling on the other kids shirts and not letting go. The recess supervisor had asked him several times to stop, but Logan just kept tugging away. The recess supervisor asked Logan to take a timeout to which he replied "No." She warned him that if he refused his timeout that she was going to take him to the office. Logan still refused his timeout and halfway to the office stopped dead in his tracks and refused to go any further. Therefore the therapist and principal came and talked to him, took him to the office, and continued with their talk.

Wednesday and Thursday were good. Thursday when he came home he had a scraped up nose. I asked him what the heck had happened... He said a boy stepped on his shoelace and pushed him from up on the swingset by the fire pole. I asked him if he knew the boys name and he said no... I asked him if he knew any of the kids names and he got a HUGE smile on his face. I asked him whose name he knew and he said "Nora!" I then asked him why he could remember Nora's name, but not any of the other kids names and he replies "Because she is so pretty and I love her mom, that's why!!!" It was priceless! I wish I could have had it on video!

Friday when I went to pick them up in carline Gracie came out and Logan was still inside. She informed me that Logan was with the principal because he punched a little girl who was bossing Logan to sit down and be quiet (these really are the rules of the carline). I went and parked. As I walked in I was kind of embarrassed. Who knew what kind of tantrum it was and all of the teachers seemed to be staring. When I found him he was with Mr. L (the principal) and discussing his behavior. Thank goodness for Mr. L who (so far) seems to have the patience of a saint! He told Logan that all rules that they have aren't just "Logan Rules" but they are for everyone, including himself. I think Logan may have understood that a little better, but who knows. They high-fived one another and agreed next week would be much better.

Logan has had a pretty good Labor day weekend. We spent almost the entire weekend at the Fort Wayne Air Show hosted by the Air Nat'l Guard. It was awesome! Tomorrow we resume the school routine. He did sit on my lap last night and said that he feels like crying when he is at school but he doesn't. He said that it hurts to swallow when he misses me so much, but he doesn't want the other kids to know he is sad. How sweet is that...

Well - I hope you all have a FABULOUS week ahead of you! Cheers to a positive *short* week!

Autumn

 

Back to School...

For a while now I keep hearing the words IEP in conjunction with Logan and school. My mother-in-law is a special education teacher and I know she has to write these things all the time. I have been advised to try and have an IEP set for Logan...however, what exactly is an IEP??? I decided to educate myself in this area:

An IEP stands for Individualized Education Program. An IEP is put into place to allow teachers, parents, and the administrators to work together to come up with a customized education so that the child can perform to the best of his ability with his disability. This helps the teachers/parents to come up with a program that will allow the student to progress in the general curriculum (if that makes sense).

During Logan's therapy session this morning we discussed what his teachers current classroom goals are for Logan. This is what Mrs.Q (his teacher) came up with: following directions from adults the first time, waiting his turn, active listening, staying on task, and keeping hands/feet/objects to himself. I agree wholeheartedly that these things definitely need worked on and addressed.

His therapist recommended today that when I left her office I needed to head to the school and try setting up a meeting with whomever is in charge of setting up an IEP. She said it would be in the best interest for Logan because if he keeps having issues and there isn't an IEP set up they can just send him home as a behavioral nuisance and he will be missing out on vital learning. She started handing me paperwork and phone numbers and said I needed to call said number to get an "advocate." I was slightly confused because I thought I am supposed to be Logan's advocate. I am his advocate.

So after I left her office I went over to the school and actually met with the principal. Super nice set of staff and teachers at our school. I don't think we could have gotten any luckier! I was asking him what I needed to do because I felt kind of awkward going in there and demanding a meeting I know very little about. We talked and he set up a meeting with the school psychologist, himself (the principal), Logan's teacher, and Neil and I. I asked him if I should call that number and have this advocate thing started... He recommended that if I wanted to I could, but said I could come to this first meeting, see how I think it goes, and decide from there if I feel we are getting to where we want to be.

Needless to say this is NOT how I thought I was going to be spending my Monday morning! I will let you all know how it goes...keep us in your thoughts as we keep pushing forward...into what seems like the unknown.

Hope you all have a fabulous week! :)

Autumn

"Maybe You'll Be Surprised..."

I know each and every single one of my readers genuinely care for Logan and our family. I really, really do appreciate that and thank each of you for your support!

As you all know I was extremely anxious to send Logan off to Kindergarten - with his history it was just super overwhelming for me. I kept telling everyone "I just don't know how this is going to work." or "There is no way he is going to be able to do this unless something changes." 99% of the time my friends, family, husband, acquaintances, and whomever would respond "Maybe you'll be surprised!" with an optimistic attitude. I honestly wanted nothing more than to be pleasantly surprised, however, that is NOT the case. I know my boy all too well, I know his triggers, I know his struggles, I know pretty much anything and everything he is going to feel before he feels it. I JUST KNOW HIM.

Day 1 (Wed) of Kindergarten: He is in great spirits and excited to go to school. We get there and there are lots of other kids and parents waiting in the hallway for the bell to ring so that we can all walk our babies to their classrooms. He gets extremely anxious in the hallway - starts pulling his hair and grumbling. Asks me not to touch him. I know he has hit his breaking point. As the bell rings and the hallways clear - he calms down - hugs me and has a smile on his face. I drop him off and pray. Later on I pick him up. He is all smiles and said he had a great day! I call his teacher as soon as I can - and she says that she thinks he had a great first day. He had to take a few timeouts for getting up without permission and interupting the teacher while she was talking to other children, but he kept his hands and feet to himself for the most part. We left it that we would e-mail on Thurs and talk over the phone on Fri.

Day 2 (Thurs): As Logan settles into the car I ask him how his day went and he responds with "Well I sat in timeout like 4 or 5 or 6 or maybe 2 times today." Hmmm. Okay... So I e-mail his teacher asking what she observed, if he had a good day/bad day, and how he managed to do in a class with 20+ kids. I didn't hear from her until almost 9 p.m. last night and she ended up calling me. His behavior was night and day from the first day. He was really out of sorts and would shut down when she tried to talk with him. She said he was unable to be still - his hands and feet were going all day. He had no self-control. He was caught poking another child with a fork at the lunch table. He was a wild man on the playground (BUT in his defense there were 55 kids to 2 teachers). On one hand I wanted to break down and cry and on the other hand I was totally okay that they were actually seeing it first hand.

Today is day 3 and he is currently in school. I have tried staying busy but he is all I can think about. Logan is a sweet boy and has a great heart, however, he gets overstimulated sooooo easy. His current diagnosis' are Impulse Control Disorder w/ Agression and ADHD. I shouldn't dwell on the label, but dang it - it isn't right yet - and we haven't found a way to manage his behavior. There is something more to this story... Something that we are missing and I KNOW IT. I am not by any means blaming our doctors or therapists, they are a God send. Amazing people - but he is just a hard case to crack. Today I have been contemplating if I should call up Dr. Walsh  (the neurogeneticist) in Indy - he had said that if we were unable to get results that he would further investigate.

What connects developmental delay, right sided motor weakness, drooling, bundle branch block of the heart, a horseshoe kidney, impulse disorder, easily overstimulated, and lack of self control? There has to be something. I am struggling with what direction I need to go. I am his advocate and I have to speak up for his sake...because he can't!

So if you don't mind keeping all of us in your prayers once again I will be forever grateful. Also, if you have ANY suggestions what-so-ever please let me know!!! I am open to any suggestions.

Thanks guys!!!